Author Archives: UnderSt83d

About UnderSt83d

Just a few random thoughts of someone trying to "break the mold." Transitioning is a motha!!! And life can be too! Trying to enjoy the ride, but need an outlet at times... Logic vs Realism vs Optimism Blogging the Journey.....

“Sabbath Sunday”

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*sigh*

Well, I must say that I am feeling like the Israelites in Exodus 16:3. “We wish the Lord had killed us in Egypt. When we lived there, we could at least sit down and eat all the bread and meat we wanted. But you have brought us out here into this desert, where we are going to starve.” While my reality is not that I am actually “starving” from food, but I feel like I’m in a place of “starvation”…

Today, I reflect on the feeling of “why couldn’t He just ‘leave me alone’.” While my head knows that Jesus is the best way, the right way, and the ONLY WAY, I can’t help but notice those in “the world;” those around me that are happy and “happening to life” while life is just happening to me; out of control.

I pause and am filled with emotion; chaotic, confusing emotion of “my life was good,” “I had a boyfriend,” “I had cool friends full of girl’s nights and dancing,” “I had a personality,” “I was unashamed, well rounded, and balanced.” So I thought…

Then God…

I talked to my mom the other day to express to her that I feel as though I’ve been in a place of transition for the last few years, but even more intensely over the last year. I made that statement as if to pose the question “when will it stop.” It being this constant place of transition and change… The thought of never having “what I want” absolutely terrifies me… So much so that my flesh (my spirit knows and understands why) wants to know why God didn’t leave me in Egypt.

Peace & Love~
Originally Written July 2010

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Because I’m Worth It

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AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME!

I can’t believe after all these years of being around the church and raised in the church, that the magnitude of this story NEVER sank in until now!!! There are a few things that stand out;

Daniel 3:16, when they replied to the king “we don’t need to defend ourselves…The God we worship can save us” let’s me know that I don’t have to be ashamed, I don’t have to argue about religion, AND I don’t have to defend who I used to be and who I am now!

God then takes the situation and makes their foe praise Him in v 28-29 with “PRAISE THEIR GOD FOR SENDING AN ANGEL TO RESCUE THEM…NO OTHER GOD HAS SUCH POWER TO SAVE.” For me, the song “Mighty to Save” comes to mind…. MY GOD IS MIGHTY TO SAVE.. HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE! This is such a great reminder!!!! Not just physically & literally like this stroy, but even figuratively through saving us from ourselves in our daily lives.

I don’t yet have a unique way of showing someone else their worth because I haven’t fully grasped my worth in God’s eyes, but along the way and how far God has brought me since the beginning of this year… I’d tell them WHOLE HEARTED with all sincerity…Seek God to reveal your worth and have faith the He will do it because HE DOES give us the desires of our hearts if we continually seek Him. AND those “desires” are NOT always material…He will do the same for us emotionally, mentally, and relationally as well. For our God is NOT a God that He should lie!!!

AMEN!

“Desperate Prayer Lives/Disappointed Much?/Be Set Free/Celebrate You/Show Me The Credit/Can you Handle the Good News?”

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I know my title is extreme, but all of these are me RIGHT NOW!

This weekend I was being reactive instead of being proactive, seeking affirmation from others and it almost backfired (and may still.) I work with/lead a youth praise team and a young adult praise team and I have/had been feeling very discouraged, spiritually ad physically tired about the whold ministry. I know that I sometimes don’t pray as consistently as I should and I don’t read my Bible as much as I could and should, but I feeling in my heart that I had been desperately seeking God mentally and relationally. Then you go on to pose the question “What’s you desperation story?”

This weekend I had a thought; a thought that said “maybe I’ll never really know Jesus; maybe I’ll never have the relationship that I long to have with Him.” And it brought me to tears. That then was followed by a letter to the youth pastor and his wife regarding me not having any spiritual power/anointing to lead the youth in worship. I never stopped to talk to God or vent on paper before I reacted. The youth pastors wife responds and in her email says “Miles Monroe said ‘if you don’t know the purpose of a thing (or yourself) abuse is inevitabel. Therefore I don’t think you should lead at all if you are unsure of what you are doing or supposed to do.” This broke my heart. She has not asked me to step down, but I was sending the email because a lot of other frustrations regarding this ministry had built up (Disappointed Much?) and I was seeking affirmation when I should have just discussed what the really issue was. Now, I desperately seeking God’s face to reveal who I am in Him, my purpose in Him and to fix this situation if it is indeed in His will (Be Set Free). Teenagers will be teenagers and I need to remember that, but in a moment of being caught up in my flesh, it appeared that I was going to “pitch a tent and stay there”; there in feeling inadequate (Celebrate You/ME.)

Then in reading “Show Me The Credit”, Judges 4:14 “Barak, it is time to attack Sisera. B/C today the LORD is going to HELP you DEFEAT him. In fact, the LORD has already gone on ahead to fight for you.” God brought clarity and affirmation through this text… God spoke directly to me this morning… “ERYN, it is time to attack the devil. B/C today I AM going to HELP you DEFEAT him. In fact, I have already gone on ahead to fight for you.” THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS WORD! And then to add to it, reading “Can You Handle The Good News” Acts 20:24 “But I don’t care what happens to me, as long as I finish the work the Lord Jesus gave to me to do. And that work is to tell the good news about God’s great kindness.”

NO MORE SEEKING AFFIRMATION FROM OTHERS; NO MORE CONCERNING MYSELF WITH THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF OTHERS AS IT RELATES TO MY MINISTRY! TIME TO “CELEBRATE ME” AND STOP COMPARING MYSELF AND BASING MY SUCCESS/ANOINTING OFF OF THE SUCCESS/ANOINTING OF OTHERS!!!!

TIME TO PERFORM FOR THE AUDIENCE OF ONE!

Eryn~

“Them Apples/Throw It Off”

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What are your weaknesses?
Well, I can already tell you that my “weakness” is relationships. Not just boyfriend/girlfriend, but I am a very relational person and LOVE to be surrounded by friends and family. IDK if it’s because I don’t want to be left alone or what. Normally when I’m tempted to do something out of His will or disobey Him, the root of it is always a relationship with a man. I have often found myself “settling” or “sacrificing” those things that are important to me (the spiritual things that are a MUST for me) in order to “be in love.”

What are some things you need to throw off?
Just recently, about 6 months ago, I had a “Throw It Off” moment. Well, it was only one part of Throwing it Off. I decided NO MORE SETTLING TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS. ESPECIALLY NOT IN MY SPIRITUAL LIFE! Then I later attempted cutting someone off in order to pass a test that’s been given to me probably several times by the Big Man upstairs :)…IDK how that went yet… 🙂

One thing I threw off and I was actually semi-successful with was pressing through my attitude (pressing through all pouting, all my negative thoughts, & all the “why not me’s”) and continue to praise & worship God. I have a bad, bad habit of pouting when I feel like I’m ready, but He doesn’t feel like I’m ready; I take it personal and I pout. Since learning to press through those things, He’s taken me to a totally different level in Him and in ministry!!!

Originally written May 2010

Eryn~

Devotionals

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So, I have created a new blog category entitled “Devotionals”.

I am currently reading “Faithbook of Jesus” by the Devotional Diva herself, Renee Johnson.

At the end of each devotional she poses a question which you can go online to answer.

I will be posting my responses to her question in my blog, under Devotionals.

If you can’t tell, I’m struggling in the blog world, but I’m not struggling writing other things… Hmmmm…. So until I get a new/fresh mind/thought you get to read my responses to her questions.

Peace & Love

Untitled~

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In a place feeling alone although I’m surrounded by people. People. Friends. Family. All going on about their lives as I constantly feel like I’m reaching out, but for what?! For validity? For love? To fill a void that I’m not really sure needs to be filled?

Always seeking, always reaching, always looking… FOR. WHAT?

Later looking and only finding resentment, jealousy, & envy of those who surround me.

Wondering… Am I designed to be alone; to stand alone?…But yet I recant… This is not how we were created. This is not why we were created.

But I suppose to make statements as such I should pose the question “why were we created?”

What’s my purpose? The more I ask myself that question the more lost I feel. Often dreading that I’m still in this place; a place lacking purpose. Seeking my purpose through those that surround me. Hoping they see in me what I long so badly to see in me.

What do I see?…

Peace~

HIATUS

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Well, you may have noticed that I have not blogged in a little over a month. I am in the process of creating/designing a “new” blog page for LIFESTYLE CHANGES regarding food!!! Keep a look out!!! (E.A.T.)

I will be back to blogging in no time!!! Besides, I always have a lot to say!! 🙂

You never know… I may blog today…

Peace~

What’s my Name?!

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Ok! So, this is a bit of a rant!

My name is spelled E-R-Y-N. And while my name is pronounced “Aaron”/”Erin”, it is NOT spelled either way! My name is spelled E-R-Y-N.

I normally do not feel annoyed when someone mispells my name & have often looked at others and thought “what’s the big deal?” “So, what they misspelled your name.” *sigh*

Now, I do NOT mean to be totally hypocrite, but I am officially annoyed! Allow me to explain myself;

If a person does NOT have reference (business card, email) to spell my name correctly, that is not an offense, but when I personally send an e-mail and or Facebook message, with my picture and um, duh, the CORRECT spelling of my name, why do you insist on spelling my name any other way except for the correct way?! This is not some spelling that I made up or changed the “I” to a “Y” to be different… THIS IS MY NAME!

E-R-Y-N

………..E-R-Y-N

………………………E-R-Y-N!

I really don’t want to go over this again!

When you send me a message and the spelling of your name is made available to me, I WILL spell your name correctly! Do the same in return people!!! ESPECIALLY, since it’s been given to you!!! LMBO!!!

Eryn! NOT Erin or Aaron or Arin or Arien or Arryn! It’s ERYN!

Pease…Oops I mean…

Peace~

The Newer “Newest” Phenomena

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As if the last  Newest Phenomena wasn’t enough, with all the slow driving in the fast lane, there’s an even NEWER, more annoying phenomena… YIELDING WHEN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT-OF-WAY! WHAT?! When did we start doing that?! *SIGH* 

Now, according to wikipedia, there are several explanations regarding the term “right-of-way.”

Right-of-way could have to do with legally granting access, having the right to pass over property owned by another party, OR it could even be in reference to the 2003 album released by DJ Ferry Corsten actually entitled “Right Of Way.” But I’m referring to every DRIVER’S RIGHT, according to the rules of the road, the laws of the land, to proceed FIRST!

Do we need examples?

Example 1: There is a 4-Way STOP. There are other cars approaching the intersection as well and though it is a close call, you reach the intersection FIRST. You have the RIGHT OF WAY; to cross the intersection first. Although in a case of caution or cordialness you may let one of your fellow drivers cross first.

Example 2: You’re headed West, merging onto the highway,  but the East bound traffic has the turn signal & you have a YIELD sign. My apologies, but I must inform BOTH parties; you MUST follow these signs! The East bound driver must not, and I repeat, MUST NOT signal for the West bound traffic to continue. West Bound, yield. East Bound, turn.

Example 3: The simplest of right of ways. THE GREEN LIGHT! GO! Do not signal to the driver across the street to turn as you now hold up traffic.

OR

What about the continuous turn?! You are not required to stop, so WHY DO YOU STOP?!

Right-Of-Way

Now I am NOT saying this as a means to be a rude driver. I am merely trying to cut down on the number of accidents caused by DUMB DRIVERS! And as the author of “Why Smart People Make Dumb Decisions” explains… You have all the right tools, but you make bad judgements! LMBO! I’m not calling you stupid because DUMB & STUPID are clearly different! You’re a smart individual with terrible driving behaviors!!! LOL

I’m not the greatest driver, so when I’m irritated and finding myself blogging about this kind of thing, what does that say about you?!

I’ve had enough people!

Peace~

Does “IT” matter?

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So, my starter friend, who is slightly past being my “starter” friend, prompted this blog, without his knowing so… Thanks MEP! LOL…

Let me set the scene… He and I both are very, very, very busy this week & today would be the best day for us to see each other even though our time spent together will be very limited. It’s either today, Tuesday or Sunday after church. This isn’t even a guarantee. The invite is prompted by me trying to entice him with a FABULOUS dinner. Though tempting, it doesn’t appear that seeing him is going to be an option, not even for today. We draft several plans & it’s still not looking good. He finally says, “I’ll be there.” This response is followed by a smug “Just have my hug ready.”

Now this is slightly embellished, seeing as how this  entire conversation was carried out via text & email. So, technically, there was no tone, but, you know?!…

Initially reading his response I chuckle to myself, think “okay“, shut down my computer and head home for the day. It wasn’t until I was walking my dog that I thought “Just have my hug ready? I’m cooking dinner for Pete’s sake!” And of course, as any Information Hoarder, this was promptly followed by a thought; the thought “does ‘IT’ matter?”

Does “IT” matter that I’m cooking him dinner if all he wants is a hug from me? Does “IT” matter that you bought her a dozen roses when all she wanted was your help cleaning the house? Does “IT” matter how much effort you put into giving him or her advice when all they wanted was an ear to listen and your affection?

Does “IT” matter that I’m cooking dinner when all he wants is a hug, from me?! NO. “IT” doesn’t matter. Fullfillment matters.

The next time someone request something of you, in love, not to be abused & you can provide it without a shadow of doubt, but are considering being stubborn or difficult because that’s second nature to you, stop & think…

Does “IT” really matter?

Peace~